There’s a reason even the most seasoned leaders sometimes stall, sidestep, or shrink back from the moment that matters. It’s not a lack of intelligence or skill — it’s the quiet hum in the background, the inner soundtrack that soothes us away from discomfort and into delay.
These are leadership lullabies: the subtle, emotional refrains that tell us to wait, avoid, or overcompensate instead of facing what’s in front of us. We sing them when we’d rather not have the crucial conversation, make the hard call, or face the truth about ourselves. They can sound calm, reasonable, even strategic — but they quietly erode clarity, courage, and credibility.
Every leader has a playlist. The question is: which songs are playing on repeat in yours?
Related: Switch your Mental Playlist to Positive
Seven Emotional Patterns that Quiet your Impact
Each song is rooted in a defense mechanism – a reflexive emotional pattern that shields us from discomfort in the moment, but over time, can undermine trust, clarity, and results.
1. Suppression – Choosing to set feelings aside so you can “power through,” often at the expense of your long-term energy and perspective.
2. Repression – Disconnecting from emotions so completely that they continue to influence you without your awareness.
3. Avoidance – Steering clear of situations, decisions, or people you know require your attention, in hopes they’ll resolve themselves.
4. Escapism – Seeking relief in distractions, daydreams, or hyperactivity to sidestep uncomfortable realities.
5. Projection – Seeing in others the very traits or motives you can’t (or won’t) acknowledge in yourself.
6. Denial – Rejecting or minimizing truths that feel too threatening to your identity or stability.
7. Overcompensation – Overdoing achievement, charm, or authority to mask the vulnerability you’d rather not reveal.
Each track ahead pairs one of these patterns with a real song — the kind of tune you might not realize you’re humming until you notice your effectiveness slipping into the background. Let’s press play!
Track 1: “Chandelier” – Sia
Defense Mechanism: Suppression
Lyric: “I’m holding on for dear life, won’t look down, won’t open my eyes.”
Leadership Moment: You sense you’re on the verge of burnout. There’s tension in your chest, your temper is shorter, but instead of pausing, you keep saying, “It’s just a rough patch – push through.”
The Lullaby You’re Humming: “If I ignore this long enough, it’ll pass. I don’t have time to fall apart.”
Self-Awareness Prompts:
- What feelings are you aware of, but pushing aside in the name of control or optics?
- What’s the cost of being “fine” all the time?
Coaching Insight: Suppression can look like grit, but it’s often just emotional debt you’ll pay later — with interest. Address what’s under the surface before it drains your capacity.
Track 2: “Hello” – Adele
Defense Mechanism: Repression
Lyric: “Hello from the outside / At least I can say that I’ve tried…”
Leadership Moment: You suddenly overreact to someone questioning your idea in a meeting. It’s not about them — it’s about an old betrayal or fear of inadequacy you’ve never explored.
The Lullaby You’re Humming: “That’s old stuff. It’s not affecting me anymore.”
Self-Awareness Prompts:
- What old story or belief might still be running in the background?
- When’s the last time you paused to explore what you’ve been carrying for years?
Coaching Insight: Repressed emotions don’t stay buried forever — they leak into your leadership in ways that confuse others and undermine trust. Excavating old wounds is an investment in present-day clarity.
Track 3: “Don’t Speak” – No Doubt
Defense Mechanism: Avoidance
Lyric: “Don’t speak / I know just what you’re saying / So please stop explaining…”
Leadership Moment: You’ve noticed tension brewing between two team members. You hope it resolves itself. You say things like “they’re adults, they’ll figure it out” — even though it’s clearly affecting performance.
The Lullaby You’re Humming: “If I pretend it’s not there, maybe it’ll go away.”
Self-Awareness Prompts:
- What’s the conversation you’re avoiding — and what story are you telling yourself to justify the delay?
- Are you confusing “space” with “abandonment” when it comes to your team?
Coaching Insight: Avoidance feels safe in the moment but compounds problems over time. Leaders who lean into discomfort build cultures where issues get solved, not stored.
Track 4: “Bohemian Rhapsody” – Queen
Defense Mechanism: Escapism
Lyric: “Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?”
Leadership Moment: You’re facing a major decision that demands vulnerability. Instead, you bury yourself in low-priority tasks, redesign your slides again, or daydream about quitting.
The Lullaby You’re Humming: “If I drift somewhere else, I won’t have to deal with this. I won’t have to feel.”
Self-Awareness Prompts:
- What part of your role (or identity) are you emotionally abandoning right now?
- Are you creating motion as a way to avoid meaning?
Coaching Insight: Escapism can be disguised as productivity, but busyness without bravery is leadership drift. Anchor yourself in reality — and act from there.
Track 5: “You’re So Vain” – Carly Simon
Defense Mechanism: Projection
Lyric: “You’re so vain / You probably think this song is about you…”
Leadership Moment: You become convinced that a colleague is competitive or trying to outshine you. But deep down, you’re wrestling with your own need to be validated.
The Lullaby You’re Humming: “They’re the problem, not me.”
Self-Awareness Prompt:
- What part of yourself are you most uncomfortable owning — and who might be carrying it for you?
- What do you dislike in others… that might be yours to own?
Coaching Insight: Projection is a mirror you mistake for a window. The faster you own what’s yours, the faster you free others from carrying it.
Track 6: “Stronger” – Kelly Clarkson
Defense Mechanism: Denial
Lyric: “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger…”
Leadership Moment: You’ve been told — gently, repeatedly — that your leadership style is creating fear, but you dismiss it. “I’m just direct,” you say. “People need to toughen up.”
The Lullaby You’re Humming: “I’ve got this. I always do. They’re overreacting.”
Self-Awareness Prompts:
- What feedback have you minimized, dismissed, or rationalized lately?
- Are you clinging to resilience to avoid real vulnerability?
Coaching Insight: Denial can be wrapped in resilience, but unacknowledged truths eventually fracture teams and reputations. Strength is admitting what’s real — not avoiding it.
Bonus Track 7: “Sorry Not Sorry” – Demi Lovato
Defense Mechanism: Overcompensation
Lyric: “Now I’m out here looking like revenge / Feelin’ like a ten, the best I ever been…”
Leadership Moment: You just received tough feedback from a colleague or board member. Instead of reflecting, you double down — making bigger, flashier moves to “prove” them wrong.
The Lullaby You’re Humming: “I’ll win so loudly, no one will hear how much that hurt.”
Self-Awareness Prompts:
- What are you overdoing — and why?
- What would happen if you dropped the performance and just got real?
Coaching Insight: Overcompensation is often applauded in high-performance cultures. But it trades humility for armor — and eventually, that weight becomes unbearable.
These inner songs aren’t loud — they’re subtle, seductive, and easy to miss. They often feel protective, but in reality, they keep us from the conversations, decisions, and risks that define great leadership. The work isn’t to eliminate emotion; it’s to meet it head-on, without letting it mute your effectiveness.
Every leader hums a tune. Some songs push you forward. Others put you to sleep. The next time you catch yourself delaying, deflecting, or doubling down, ask yourself:
Am I leading… or just listening to my lullaby?