For many professionals, networking feels like an obligation—something to check off a list rather than something that creates real value. Conversations blur together, connections rarely go anywhere, and follow-ups often stall before they begin.
It’s not that networking doesn’t work. It’s that most people approach it in a way that makes it difficult to succeed. At its core, networking breaks down when it becomes transactional.
Where Networking Goes Wrong
Most networking is approached with an outcome in mind:
- A job opportunity
- A client introduction
- A specific connection
That focus creates a subtle but important shift in behavior. Conversations become more about positioning than understanding. People default to titles, credentials, and quick summaries of what they do, hoping to establish relevance as efficiently as possible. But efficiency comes at a cost.
When the interaction is centered on “what can I get from this,” it becomes harder to build the kind of rapport that leads to anything meaningful. The connection may be made, but it rarely deepens.
This dynamic is not limited to early-career professionals. In fact, it often becomes more pronounced at senior levels.
I’ve seen leaders with broad networks struggle to build real influence because their interactions lack depth. One example that comes to mind is a senior manager who, every year during the holidays, would go to great lengths to express appreciation to his team. He would spend weekends baking, assembling elaborate gift baskets, and writing thoughtful notes about how much he valued their work.
On the surface, it was generous. But throughout the rest of the year, those same team members experienced him very differently. He was often critical in meetings, focused on how he was perceived by his own leadership, and largely disconnected from the day-to-day realities of his team.
When the holiday gesture arrived, it felt inconsistent and almost confusing. The intent may have been genuine, but it lacked alignment with how he showed up the rest of the time.
That’s what transactional behavior looks like in a broader sense. It’s not just about asking for something; it’s about engaging in ways that are disconnected from a consistent, authentic understanding of others.
What Real Connection Looks Like
In contrast, meaningful networking is built on something much simpler—and often overlooked: curiosity.
I saw this clearly during my time working with alumni in investment management, a group not typically known for being eager networkers. At one event, instead of asking people to introduce themselves with their title and firm, I asked them to share two things:
- What they were currently working on
- A challenge they were facing
As the conversation unfolded, something unexpected happened. Three individuals in the room discovered they were all working in different aspects of the same niche—school bus systems. One focused on insurance, another on valuation, and a third on risk management.
That connection would not have surfaced through traditional introductions. It emerged because the conversation moved beyond surface-level identifiers and into the substance of their work.
That’s where meaningful connection happens—not in what someone does, but in how they think about what they do.
Related: The Hidden Networking Power of Volunteer Work
Understanding the Whole Person
Strong networkers recognize that professional identity is only one part of the picture.
When you take the time to understand someone more fully – their interests, how they approach problems, what motivates them – you gain insight that changes the nature of the relationship.
I once worked with a colleague who managed data and reporting. On paper, her role was highly analytical. But outside of work, she created textile art—designing and weaving fabric with an emphasis on layering color and texture.
The more I learned about that creative process, the more I began to see parallels in how she approached her work with data. She wasn’t just producing reports; she was constructing something with structure, nuance, and intention.
That understanding shifted our interactions. Conversations about data became more collaborative, more thoughtful, and ultimately more effective. What had been a functional working relationship became a more meaningful partnership.
That’s the impact of understanding the whole person. It enriches not just the relationship, but the work that comes out of it.
A Different Way to Approach Conversations
When networking shifts from outcome-driven to curiosity-driven, the quality of conversation changes.
Instead of asking: Who should I meet?
You begin to ask: What can I learn about how this person operates?
That shift opens the door to more substantive dialogue. It also creates space for two questions that I have found consistently valuable in building deeper relationships:
- “Is there anything I haven’t asked that I should?” This invites the other person to guide the conversation toward what they believe is most important. It often surfaces insights that would not emerge otherwise.
- “Is there anyone you think I should connect with?” This allows the relationship to extend beyond the immediate interaction. When asked in the context of a genuine conversation, it becomes a natural way for networks to expand through trust.
These are not techniques to accelerate outcomes. They are ways to deepen understanding—and over time, that depth is what creates opportunity.
The Leadership Implication
For leaders, networking is not simply about expanding reach. It is about building relationships that support influence, alignment, and effective decision-making. Having a large network is not the same as having a useful one.
Influence comes from:
- Being understood
- Understanding others
- Building trust over time
That requires presence, consistency, and a willingness to engage beyond the surface level. It also requires a shift in mindset—from seeing networking as something you do to achieve an outcome, to recognizing it as an ongoing process of building social capital.
Bringing It Into Focus
When networking feels ineffective, it is often a signal—not that the effort is unnecessary, but that the approach needs to change. The most valuable relationships are rarely formed through efficiency or strategy alone. They are built through curiosity, consistency, and a genuine interest in understanding the people around you.
For many professionals, developing that level of awareness—how they show up in conversations, how they build trust, and how they create meaningful connection—is not something that happens automatically. It requires reflection, feedback, and a willingness to shift long-standing habits. This is where executive coaching can be particularly valuable, helping leaders become more intentional in how they engage, strengthen relationships, and ultimately build the kind of network that supports long-term influence and growth.